Personal Reflections

The battle with fear

~ Kate Wilson ~ 5 Comments

I had a friend in Edinburgh many years ago and we used to talk about our anxieties of which there were many. We called them General Fears and imagined a character, a military man who was in charge of all frightening experiences and who doled them out as necessary for character building.

Fear – where does it come from?  Why is one person more prone to it that another?

When fear has been a major part of your life you have various options.
-You can live with it and adjust your life accordingly ‘no I never go there/do that/speak to those people’ etc etc. You put safety first. Life may be narrower and less exciting but it feels more secure.
-You can challenge your fears and Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. This works and in theory fear should get weaker and you become more confident. Over years this can sometimes be exhausting as in my experience General Fears does not accept defeat so easily.
– So usually we do a mixture of both the above, depending on how important it is and how strong we are feeling

Two days ago I planned to drive to the coast, taking in a little village called Saus on the way. I am not very confident driving here but it is much better than around Granollers so I wasn’t having to struggle too hard with fear. I set off early and got slightly lost, ending up on a very narrow road. A large van was coming in the opposite direction and although I pulled right into the right side, he knocked me as he went past very fast. It took a couple of moments before I realised the wing mirror was smashed and unusable.
Aha – an opening for General Fears to come in!
I drove to the village of Saus, thinking of having a coffee and a chance to think. But the streets were narrow, my van felt huge and hard to manoevre without the side mirror.  I faffed around for a while indecisively then drove on to Escala. So far driving wasn’t too bad but I was on automatic pilot.
Breakfast in a beautiful seaside town. Thank goodness speaking Catalan is no longer a problem. I asked for a VW garage and was told the nearest was in Figueres.
At this point fear threatened to take over. I felt totally alone in a foreign county.

Alone alone all all alone. Alone on a wide wide sea.
‘Why did I come here?’  ‘Why am I not back in Cornwall where I would know what to do?’

But something had to be done and so I drove back to Figueres. I already had been there twice and not enjoyed the drive. Going back without my side mirror made it extra interesting.
But what amazed me was that while I had battled my fear and won, it still continued to fight back. I was driving on a busy road, with a lot of faster traffic. My body went into panic mode while my mind looked on in amazement. I was sweating, waves of fear swept up from my feet to my head, I felt sick and dizzy, I would have stopped and waited till it passed except that there were no places to stop.

-Is this fear something from childhood?
-Is it something from our ancestral past that once was useful for survival but now is unnecessary?   -Why do some people not have this level of fear?  They are the ones who look at you with disbelief or say things like ‘pull yourself together’ How come they were so lucky – is it genes?

Anyway, I did manage to find the garage.  I was able to ask directions in Figueres (thank you Catalan lessons) and when I arrived they  did the repair immediately which cost 50 euros. In 20 minutes I was out again with a new mirror and I set off again for the coast, refusing to allow myself to go ‘home’ rather than face those roads another time.

E.T. go home!

~ Kate Wilson ~ 6 Comments

It is almost three years since I decided to start up a new life in Catalunya.

I left Cornwall – a place that had always felt like the perfect home with it’s beautiful scenery, relaxed lifestyle, friendly and interesting people and perfect atmosphere for creativity.
I left my home, my work, my friends and for two years I left my dogs and cats as well. It meant giving up a lot of security and of feeling ‘at home’.
Since I have been here in Catalunya I have lived in three places and now again I am thinking of changing house. It has almost become an obsession – Where is Home?  Where is the best place?  Mountains or coast? Town or Countryside?  Where can I find a place to settle my things into their places, somewhere when I can work, a place to make sculptures, to garden and plant vegetables?  Somewhere my dogs can be happy, a place to relax and get to work.

I was walking with Bonnie a few days ago and thinking again about these questions, feeling the painful longing in my stomach that usually makes me head for the computer to search through the houses for rent pages. I often blame myself for this pain – that I chose to leave my own home, that I am not able to feel totally at home in my partners house, that I have not worked hard enough to find a new place to put down my roots.
Into my head came the phrase ‘setting off to seek your fortune in far-off lands’.  I thought of those stories of the traveller who leaves all that is familiar to go on a quest – normally a spiritual one.
It sounds obvious but I hadn’t thought of it like this before. Perhaps I am still journeying, still travelling with my knapsack on my back? I thought I had settled down here but what if the journey is not over?  Perhaps this is not yet the moment to find a new home where I can find a new comfortable security?

Of course I want desperately to be at home, to be safe and settled but, what is it I need to learn before I can go there?
I come back again and again to the need to feel comfortable in myself, to have a strong central axis that keeps me steady no matter where I am.  It is simplistic to just say ‘you need to feel at home in yourself’ as if it were just a decision you can make and …boom…you are at home.

Perhaps The Wizard of Oz is the best example of this process.

To get back home you need to find your brains, your heart, and your courage. And if you can’t find them in the place where you are then you need to go off and look for them.  And this journey can be scary and lonely as well as exciting and fulfilling.
So how am I doing with all this?

Here in Catalonia I feel my heart pulsing with both joy and pain, my brain is working overtime as it copes with language problems and life issues.  That leaves courage. This I think is a work in progress.  While others say I am brave, I feel every day that the battle with fear is not over.
I look forward to the day I can  click my heels and repeat ‘there’s no place like home’.
But I’m not there yet.

Mainly Blue

~ Kate Wilson ~ 9 Comments

I read a mindfulness website called Life Unity and on Monday, as always, they announced the task for the week.
It was called Notice Blue.  The suggestion is to be aware of Blue for seven days, the colour mainly but perhaps also the mood, the music, the dog

I added this to my list of serendipitous things which have been around me recently

Blue and Bonnie and I came a week ago to this beautiful country cottage near Figueres

We were refugees from the city life we were finding so hard to handle in Granollers.
We wanted peace, gentle walks, time to rest and tune into ourselves without cars and noise and concrete and an angry and jealous Duna.
We found somewhere perfect to do all this and more.
Somewhere perfect for Blue to spend the last days of her life

She had a strange fall before we left town.  I wondered it it was a fit or a stroke. Afterwards she was normal and we made the journey but some instinct told me she was moving into a new phase.

Here is Sant Nicolau. This beautiful place has his name and his sanctuary at the end of the drive. Remember he is the saint of present giving, of helping children.

As we arrived I had a feeling of coming home, of finding my place, of all the cells of my body saying “YES YES YES’
It is green and wooded, set on a plane with mountains in the distance

Birds are everywhere. Day and night there is always someone singing.
Every single night the nightingale calls to her friends…… every night!
I found this nestled in the fruit bowl

Blue must have relaxed too. She fell over more and more. Wobbly legs would take her outside into the little garden and then give way leaving her stranded.
She looked tired. Slept for hours. Seemed more detached from me and from the world. At other times she was alert as normal. Especially if there was a piece of ham being offered…..

The day before she died she came down the open field with Bonnie and me. We had a football and Blue suddenly wanted to play. I rolled it past her, she jumped on top, I kicked it away and she chased it a few steps. On and on and on. Then she stopped. Fell over. Got up again and turned for home. That was her last game and it was a good one.
Next day I decided to call the vet. The decision is always ‘When?’  I spoke to friends and read lots of accounts on the internet, feeling more and more sure that I didn’t want to wait till she was unable to move or suffering badly.
The wonderful owners of Sant Nicolau helped me in every possible way, accompanying us through the last hour, offering a place for Blue to rest, digging the grave and sharing a ceremony of goodbye.
It was all peaceful, the vet came in the afternoon and confirmed that it was for the best. Blue was calm and almost dreamy and not at all nervous.  It was over in moments and with no fear or pain.
She is now down here at the bottom of the field, just to the right of the little white building on the left.

Bonnie and I will stay here for a few more days. We don’t know what the future holds as we still have the problem of Duna’s jealous rages at home. But for now we are able to listen to the birds, read books from the house collection, swim in the pool and visit Blue where she lies at the bottom of the open field, under the apple trees.
Bye Bye Blue – you good dog you!

The Day After

~ Kate Wilson ~ 7 Comments

I can’t write about Blue yet – I’m not ready.
She died yesterday and now Bonnie and I are here alone, continuing the adventure.
Here is her song – she heard it all her life from when we first learned it 15 years ago, through times when she needed to be lulled to sleep, until yesterday when I sang it to her while we waited for the vet to come.
In this version the words are a little different but it is good.  Sung by The Byrds.

I will write about her soon – perhaps tomorrow. But today I thought I’d tell you what we did, Bonnie and I, on the day after we lost our old friend.
We set off quite late, feeling strange as it was the first time on this trip we could go and explore without worrying about getting back to the house quickly.
I want to explore the region while we are here – perhaps it is a place I want to live!
So we went up to Llança which is almost in France and is a town which I heard is popular with immigrants from the UK. Not that this makes it more tempting but I thought perhaps it would be interesting.
It was incredibly hot by the time we arrived and we definitely couldn’t do any exploring. We just needed to find shade and a drink and a toilet.
I went against all expert tourist instincts and found a place that was totally empty.
No one else at all was eating there. Perfect! I could leave Bonnie alone while I went inside.
I am normally vegetarian but I decided to have the 9 euro menu which started with spaghetti

and was followed by steak and chips

It seemed the best option for sharing with a confused and nervous dog

It was delicious I have to say!  Sometimes I ‘crave’ meat these days – strange after all these years.

It was beautiful in Llança although perhaps a bit too yachty for me to live there. I liked this sculpture though, a tribute to all fishermen of the port.

I wanted a quiet swim so we drove further up the coast and stopped by the side of the road in a parking space.  I didn’t notice all the broken glass until I got out of the van and so spent the rest of the journey worrying that a piece might have pierced a tyre.
I notice how anxious I am these days. People keep telling me how brave I am, how intrepid, how valente….but I really don’t feel it. I think I have just learned to live with worry. Every day brings new opportunities to gird my loins and face something scary.

We both had a swim

It was still very hot and when I took these photos my mobile announced it was about to die so I decided it was better to set off for home. I actually don’t know what to do if I broke down here and with no phone, today wasn’t the day to find out.
We got home safely. I unexpectedly drove through Figueres centre which was something I also had been worried about before. Of course it was fine although I did get lost twice. When we hit the little lane down to Sant Nicolau I felt very relieved but pleased we had done something nice with the day.

Catalan – the film

~ Kate Wilson ~ 2 Comments

Ok so here we go again!
It was Catalan week and I managed to do the video on Sunday.
Just in time.
And now it is HERE  on YouTube where you can see me on the beach fumbling around in Catalan while Bonnie cavorts behind me – amongst other things!
She is the star of the film and it is worth watching just for the beautiful light by the sea.

If anything this attempt is worse than the first one but I have to let you see it as I promised I would!
I am not being falsely modest – it really is much worse than I am capable of but I get terribly nervous in front of the camera.
I am writing this on Monday/Tuesday which means I am now back in Castellano. All this changing about is making me feel like this

Crazier and crazier. So please be patient. Soon I hope this blog – and life – will soon return to normal.
Whatever that means.