Writing Christmas Cards

Some people hate this job but I have always loved it – it’s one of the highlights of Christmas for me.
I don’t like the consumerism and I get anxious buying presents for people when I don’t really know what they would like.  Christmas dinner with someone else’s family can be awkward for a foreign vegetarian and although  I try to stop myself I can still get a bit panicky and buy too much food on Christmas Eve even though I know there will always be shops open the day after.
What I like about Christmas is not easy to find in Catalunya.
  • Singing Christmas carols with other people
  • Opening Christmas stockings in your dressing gown in the morning
  • Celebrating with a delicious vegetarian meal on Christmas day
  • Spending a few precious days with good friends, playing games, preparing meals, reading in front of a log fire.
  • Being with my dog as it is her Christmas too
  • Going for a country or seaside walk on Boxing Day
  • Doing nothing much on Boxing Day
  • Celebrating something called Boxing Day rather than Sant Esteve and remembering my parents who got married on this day

Last year we came close to this ideal when we went to Sant Nicolau in the Emporda.  Just the three of us and Bonnie.  It was great for me but the Catalan family were not too pleased that we opted out. So this year it is back to the old routine and family visits every day from the 24th to the 26th.

But nothing and no-one can stop me making and sending Christmas cards.  It is not a tradition here so I don’t expect to receive many unless they are sent from the UK.  Being abroad also changes your friendship patterns and every year I get fewer cards in the post. But I still continue to send them out to everyone I feel warm towards and want to keep in touch with.  I like going through my address book and thinking of each person as I write the card.  It gives me a chance to stand back and take a look at my friendships and my family.
What changes are there this year?
Some people have drifted off. Some have sadly died and I can take time to think of them as well. There are people from many different areas of my past – Scotland, London, Cornwall, Barcelona, internet friends, old lovers, tango partners.  Some of them are people I hardly ever see any more but they still are woven into the fabric of my life and my heart

This year we made our own cards and for the first time had them printed more professionally at Marc the stationers down the road. They look much better than usual for which I thank Nuria for her wonderful and inspiring painting classes, Pep for helping me with final tweeking on the computer and Marc for doing such a good job with the laser printer.

I wish I had kept copies of past years productions.
But then again, better to live in the present and let go of what has gone before. This year I have written 34 cards, most of them heading off to the UK, a few for friends here in Catalunya and the rest off to Germany, France, Italy, Holland, Canada and the USA.  Tomorrow morning I will be at the Correo offices in Granollers before heading off again to Sant Nicolau with Bonnie for some more fresh air and country peace.

Anyone fancy a chocolate caganer?

Seen in a bakers window in Sant Celoni.

Falling into the Moment

Do we always have to search for the upbeat?
Is it ok sometimes to write about how bloodly unfair life is and how painful and how it is a struggle just to get through the next moment?
I’ve been doing a lot of reading about cancer and dogs. There is a lot of information to plough through and it is good to get informed. I am now almost an expert.
I know about the survival rates with and without chemotherapy for the different cancers but especially lymphoma which is what Bonnie has.  I know that without chemotherapy the average dog dies in 4-6 weeks.  I know all the commonly used supplements and what is the best cancer diet.
In the process of reading this information you also find hundreds of stories about people and their dogs.  Dogs are getting cancer in their thousands. Perhaps it is millions. People are making decisions, trying their best, agonising over side effects and when to call a halt and let their dogs go. There is a mountain of pain there.   And a mountain of love.  It is interesting that we know so much about cruelty and abandonment of dogs but what is invisible until you start searching is the incredible love.
I have cried and sobbed my way through so many blogs and emails and yahoo group stories about dogs and their owners dealing with cancer and dealing with death.
And in a funny way it helps me to feel these other peoples pain. I don’t need them to find the positive or end their stories with what they have learned from the experience. It is just something horrible that happens and we try to deal with it and if we can reach out to others in the same place then it sort of eases the pain.
Sort of.  In the end there is one day after another and I have been really struggling to find my way through. I feel I am being squashed beneath a gigantic roller. It wants to squeeze out my stuffing.
I want to accept and be strong and keep cheerful and stay calm. For Bonnie. For everyone around me. For myself for Gods sake.
I keep asking ‘How do people deal with awful things?’  Human beings have had plenty of practice.  Illness, cruelty, war, torture, loss. What are the ways and means of putting one foot after another? You never know which experience will push you to your edge.  I’ve been through bad times before of course but there is something about this experience that is threatening to flatten me. Being in this ‘other’ country, not having my friends call round to the house to chat or give me a hug, Bonnie having a death sentence but being at the same time weirdly healthy, wondering if I somehow caused the cancer, wanting to get out into nature but not wanting to be alone there, still having this bloody ankle problem which makes walking so difficult. Oh you know what I mean!  I am not trying to say this is the worst life can throw at a person but for some reason it has exactly the ingredients that give me meltdown.
Anyway, having said I don’t need to end on a positive note I just want to say that today I did catch a glimpse of something that helps.  We walked back from town through the park. Bonnie had her first attack of diarrhoea which I instantly decided was ‘The Beginning of the End’. We found a bench and sat in the sunshine and I tried to breathe slowly and calm my racing thoughts. Bonnie jumped up beside me and as I watched her, trying to memorise her every curve and the exact colour of her hair, wanting to stretch time so it would never move on, she was just watching the birds
Her nose was in constant movement. She was receiving smells at the rate of a hundred a second. She was not the slightest bit concerned about her health. She wasn’t worried or sad. She just watched the people, the children playing football, the pigeons and sometimes turned and looked at me.

I tried to tune in to her.  To tune out of me. I felt myself almost falling into the present moment. Each time I managed to just be there with her, there was at last a sense of peace, of something eternal. Then my mind would try to analyse and it would be gone.

Over and over I let myself fall into the moment.

Just Bonnie and Me.

Sitting in the sunshine.

Nothing more

Bonnie is the Star!

  • A sunny Saturday and I took Bonnie out in the car.   We took the windy route over the hills towards the sea which is one of my favourites as most of the traffic goes the other quicker way.  People drive faster here perhaps because most of them have have been driving these same roads all their lives. If you don’t move far from where you were born you probably know each and every bend. And if you assume that all other drivers are similarly confident you won’t have much patience with ditherers like me. 

 

  • At the top of the hills there is a derelict petrol station and if you turn off there it leads to a quiet country lane with views down to the sea.  We parked and walked. There were lots of cyclists around who surprised me with their total disregard for the large signs warning that the hunters were out shooting wild boar in the woods. 

 

  • In the local newspaper El Nou they recently reported a cyclist being clipped by a bullet as he rode along a popular route in Les Franqueses.  Five hunters were stopped by the police and their guns taken away as evidence. These hunts are normally approved by the authorities but they are supposed to keep away from houses and roads. That local council has even been discussing banning hunting as it is impossible for it to coexist with the growing numbers of people who like to walk, cycle, run in the countryside.  But they finally decided that banning it would only make it less regulated.  Hunting is very popular throughout Catalunya and I once had lunch at a country restaurant with a truck parked outside loaded up with a very large and dead wild boar.  I wonder what it would take for the Catalan government to ban it altogether?

 

  • We sat down for a while with the sound of shots ringing in the far distance. Bonnie brought me a twig and as my main task now to keep her as happy as possible,  I broke my normal rule of not throwing sticks. It was also a very soft one! She is totally back to normal after the surgery  

 

  • It was a joy to watch her jumping to catch it like a puppy

And My News

I wrote that last post as it was something I had been thinking about. And as a way to distract myself from what is going on right here. 
In case you are waiting to hear about Bonnie, here is the news.
Yesterday the results arrived from the biopsy and it was confirmed she has an aggressive cancer, a lymphoma. The traditional treatment would be chemotherapy to slow down the growth of the tumour and possibly buy her more time, up to 9 months. 
There are several treatment options, all of them causing possible side effects with the most powerful being the worst and the single drug option being perhaps too weak to make a difference.
We also have to keep in mind that Border Collies have a special sensitivity to chemotherapy. They don’t always deal with it well.
 
Now it is decision time. Not just about that but about diet and chosing between the vast array of natural supplements which are  known to be possibly tumour reducing.  And where do I spend these last months with her?  Here in the city with no garden?  On the Costa Brava at Sant Nicolau in a beautiful and much loved environment but far away from my normal life?  Or do I even consider a mad dash up through France to get her ‘home’ to Cornwall?
 
November always has this shady side.  A month when fears and shadows can loom large. 
The desire to bury my head under the duvet threatens to overwhelm me.
But I must be Bonnies decision-maker and primary carer even though I feel totally inadequate for the task.
I am not ready. I wasn’t expecting this to happen, not yet. 
 
She meanwhile seems well, or so I think. She is eating and sleeping and playing ball as usual.  I try not to look at her with a mournful gaze.  I am stroking her head with fast soft repetitive caresses as recommended by the Dog Cancer Vet. It is supposed to remind her of her mother licking her face when she was a puppy and it’s true that she always ends up falling gently asleep

Outsiders

Wherever I go I tend to notice those people who seem different or who exist a little on the outside of the cultural norm. A few days ago I began to realise there is a little group of people here in Granollers who I consider ‘friends’ although I don’t know them at all

  • The little old lady who wheels her shopping trolley in front of her like a battle shield. She talks to herself but also stops to chat with the woman in Carrer Tarafa who has the parrot.  There is a luggage label attached to her trolley. It says ‘My name is Isabel and this is my address.’  One day when I was feeling especially alien and alone I followed her a little on her journey through town.  She walked in circles and doubled back on herself regularly until at some point she stopped to ferret around in a rubbish container and I walked past and left her in peace.
  •  There is a large wild man who sells little packets of tissues at the traffic lights on the road to the hospital. He looks like that character in Harry Potter, I can’t remember his name but he is dark and fat and played by the actor who used to be in Softly Softly.  Our Granollers wild man is always very polite and I suppose enough people buy his tissues to make it worth his while. I have never ever seen him anywhere else.
  • Almost every day I see a man cycling through town who looks very out of place in this centre of conformity. He wears what looks like a woman’s coat which is slightly too small for him leaving his arms sticking out like brittle sticks. He is bald and has earrings and his white jeans are very tight. I often see him in the health food store. If we were in Penzance he wouldn’t look odd but here he is clearly an eccentric. When I asked other people if they knew who he was, no-one even recognised my description. Perhaps he is invisible?
  • Someone I almost know because we have spoken and we usually greet each other in passing is the slim woman with pink hair who feeds the local wild cats. I suppose she recognises me because I also look different and usually am accompanied by at least one dog. There are several places she puts down food and water for the urban cats. Since I arrived in Granollers there seem to be fewer cats around in the streets – I wish I thought this was a good thing but I wonder where they have gone.

The last person who I regularly notice and try to smile at is not really an outsider like the others. She wears normal clothes and has a job looking after an old rich man who lives (and perhaps owns) the flats opposite. She is often to be seen in our little square walking his small toy dog. What draws my attention is her totally unsmiling and unhappy face. She appears to be Latin American and I imagine that she feels far from home and family. One day I will work up the courage to speak to her.

All these people give me a feeling that it is difficult to describe. They sort of make me feel at home.