Outsiders

Wherever I go I tend to notice those people who seem different or who exist a little on the outside of the cultural norm. A few days ago I began to realise there is a little group of people here in Granollers who I consider ‘friends’ although I don’t know them at all

  • The little old lady who wheels her shopping trolley in front of her like a battle shield. She talks to herself but also stops to chat with the woman in Carrer Tarafa who has the parrot.  There is a luggage label attached to her trolley. It says ‘My name is Isabel and this is my address.’  One day when I was feeling especially alien and alone I followed her a little on her journey through town.  She walked in circles and doubled back on herself regularly until at some point she stopped to ferret around in a rubbish container and I walked past and left her in peace.
  •  There is a large wild man who sells little packets of tissues at the traffic lights on the road to the hospital. He looks like that character in Harry Potter, I can’t remember his name but he is dark and fat and played by the actor who used to be in Softly Softly.  Our Granollers wild man is always very polite and I suppose enough people buy his tissues to make it worth his while. I have never ever seen him anywhere else.
  • Almost every day I see a man cycling through town who looks very out of place in this centre of conformity. He wears what looks like a woman’s coat which is slightly too small for him leaving his arms sticking out like brittle sticks. He is bald and has earrings and his white jeans are very tight. I often see him in the health food store. If we were in Penzance he wouldn’t look odd but here he is clearly an eccentric. When I asked other people if they knew who he was, no-one even recognised my description. Perhaps he is invisible?
  • Someone I almost know because we have spoken and we usually greet each other in passing is the slim woman with pink hair who feeds the local wild cats. I suppose she recognises me because I also look different and usually am accompanied by at least one dog. There are several places she puts down food and water for the urban cats. Since I arrived in Granollers there seem to be fewer cats around in the streets – I wish I thought this was a good thing but I wonder where they have gone.

The last person who I regularly notice and try to smile at is not really an outsider like the others. She wears normal clothes and has a job looking after an old rich man who lives (and perhaps owns) the flats opposite. She is often to be seen in our little square walking his small toy dog. What draws my attention is her totally unsmiling and unhappy face. She appears to be Latin American and I imagine that she feels far from home and family. One day I will work up the courage to speak to her.

All these people give me a feeling that it is difficult to describe. They sort of make me feel at home.

A Few Days On

  • It didn’t take Bonnie long to recover from the surgery. We knew she was better when her tail, which had been hidden for days between her legs, bobbed back upright and stayed there except for when I approached her with a pill wrapped in a piece of cheese.  More strangely I also have risen to the surface again even though for a few days I was submerged under a wave of tears and sneezes. I feel fine. I know there is a problem, I know there is danger of huge pain to come, but right now I feel good.
  • The good wishes and messages of love from family and friends helped so much. Never underestimate the power of a message to someone in pain.  When there is something difficult going on it is a million times worse if you feel alone.  But when you feel wrapped in the caring thoughts of other people, strength comes to help you deal with whatever life throws your way.

 

  • The internet is an amazing gift in our lives. It would take too long to list all the useful things I have found recently…… help on all levels, practical, emotional and spiritual. But right now I am thinking about the information about Trigger Points which I used to almost totally cure the pain I had in my ankle.  Thank you Paul Ingraham & Tim Taylor.

 

  • And then I found an e-book called the Dog Cancer Survival Guide by Dr Demian Dressler.  The vet who wrote it seemed to be speaking directly to me.  He starts by telling you that it is important that you fully face up to the role of Primary Caregiver for your dog. And to do this you first need to get yourself as strong and fit and clear headed as possible. ‘Put on your own oxygen mask first‘.   Then you can start to connect more deeply to your dog so that decisions made will be coming from her needs.  A lovely suggestion was to tell her the stories of her life. We started this sitting on a park bench a few days ago when Bonnie jumped up beside me and seemed to want only to sit quietly by my side. There are so many stories to tell.

 

 

  • Since then we have been enjoying a lot of good moments together. We are waiting for the results of the biopsy and as she has returned to normal health after the exploratory surgery it is almost possible to forget there is a problem. But I am very aware of it and of the precious nature of this time together. It is as if we have entered a new world….every moment full of delight in each others company. She is coming up onto the sofa too…..do you remember that Catalan men don’t like dogs on the furniture?    Well, I have a sofa here that is mine and now Bonnie can lie beside me whenever she wants.  For goodness sake, who is going to lie on the ground to cuddle their dog?
  • We went to the vet for a checkup yesterday and on the way home visited the pet shop to buy a new toy. Squeaky toys are her favourites.  I made a film of her playing with it and added some music but now YouTube won’t let me upload it because of copyright restrictions. If I succeed I will get it on here but if not then I’ll take off the music (which was perfect…I Feel Fine by the Beatles) and put on something else.  Meanwhile here is a photo of herself and the Squeaky Toy!


Baby’s good to me you know,
She’s happy as can be you know,
She said so
I’m in love with her and I feel fine

On Finding Out That My Dog Has Cancer

  • The vet decided I was the sort of person who could cope with seeing a photo of my dogs insides.  He explained about the little white lines on the intestines which show lymph collecting where it shouldn’t ought to be. ‘What’s that?’ I said pointing at the large mass of pink red and purple flesh just below where the gloved hand was holding her guts up to the camera. ‘That’s the tumour’  Oooooffff it is bigger than a large mans hand!
  • On the first two days I cried a lot. I don’t mean I sat and sobbed on the sofa but waiting in a queue at the bakers my eyes filled up and welled over, telling a friend the news I felt my words wobble before my shoulders followed suit, I cycled through town with my face soaking with tears.  Then it stopped. Where do they go those tears?  At the vet for a checkup after the surgery there was a woman sobbing without shame.  She was flanked by two sad looking men who occasionally patted her knee, setting off another bout of wails.  The day my crying stopped I started yet another cold with streaming nose and violent sneezing.
  • The first day my partner kept complaining of feeling cold. He was wrapped in a thick coat but his hands were icy. I asked over and over again ‘How are you?’ and was disappointed that he seemed so emotionally distant. It was the next day before I realised it was shock – he had frozen and I had forgotten about arnica.
  • This says something about my life here in this house:- I was grateful when the Resident Adolescent (now strictly speaking a Resident Teenager) stopped in the hallway to ask ‘How is Bonnie?’  This must be the first real conversation we have had in over a year. And it only lasted for three sentences. 
  • After surgery dogs sometimes get constipated. Internet searches recommend mashed pumpkin. Unfortunately pumpkin is also high in carbohydrates and carbohydrates feed the cancer.  I worry a lot about food. Why not continue to give her raw meaty bones?  So I do. Then I worry that she can’t digest it.  So I boil it up and have to painstakingly remove the meat by hand.  Rice? Vegetables?  She needs fibre but I don’t want that mass to get food. That photo of her insides haunts me a little.
  • Day four and we walk a bit further in search of a bowel movement. She is peeing a lot – is it the Kidneys?– she stops and sniffs around raising my hopes but no, she pees again.  It reminds me of the quest for an orgasm “Don’t be goal oriented, just enjoy the moment”   We walk, meet other dogs, birds fly over, the strong wind blows little sandstorms into our faces, then she starts to sniff the ground and circle around a special patch of grass. “Is this it?  Come on darling, just relax.’ No she just pees again.
  • I was happy that she started eating so well after the surgery then I told the vet and he said, ‘the cancer needs to be fed – it will make her hungry’.  That thought doesn’t help me when I am planning what to put in her bowl.  I need to find a new way of dealing with my thoughts.
  • When she dies – if it is in weeks or months or even years from now – I will miss her face, the feel of her fur, the way she brightens up at the sight of a ball, the ease of her company, her muzzle pressed into my hand, her silent almost invisible presence at my heels when we walk. So now and every day I want to really enjoy her, in this moment, fully present not in a worrying anxious over-protective way, but just being with her 100%.

I have no idea how many people read this blog. And I don’t know who you are.  I am lucky if I get one comment after each post and so have decided to turn this apparent failure into something positive and to free myself to write what I want.  I don’t know what you want to read but I am very clear about what I want to write so starting now, here is what matters to me.

What’s Going On?

It’s been a strange few weeks.
We got back from Cornwall at the beginning of September and the two months that have passed since then have felt like an obstacle course.
Jumping, climbing, ducking and diving and tunnelling through.
-The car documents- thankfully now resolved.
-My ankle – a stubborn tendonosis that has only now stopped hurting. I couldn’t walk without weird pains that came and went and moved around from foot to ankle to leg to heel to toe.
-No sooner than I had managed to sort that out (through the use of Trigger point massage, really interesting and worked like a miracle) than I developed an allergy to something which meant I never stopped sneezing and wheezing. 
Not all the time. But every day, violently, sometimes.
-The Resident Adolescent who I haven’t mentioned for a while has continued to provide gritty sand for my developing pearl. His recent obsession is a company called ACN which promises money for old rope. You have to pass over your phone bills to them and the representative gets commission. At least he has started talking to us but only about that one subject. He needs customers.
We just want the dishes done!
– Today I stopped sneezing, I can walk without pain, I have a car that is legally mine and then….Bonnie got sick. She has a mysterious foreign object in her stomach and an even more scary mass in her abdomen. 
Tomorrow they will operate.

I know it has been a hard time for many other people too.


What can we do?

What, if anything, does it all mean?

I have been trying to keep positive and it’s good to concentrate on all that is wonderful. A bit of Pollyanna does no harm!
A lovely night away in a hotel on the Costa Brava


Every Tuesday my painting class

Holding my friends beautiful baby girl

And sitting tonight beside my lovely Bonnie – my companion and loyal loving friend here on this Catalan adventure

Good luck to us all and may the path get easier in the coming monthes


How to Make Panellets at Home

As promised here is our recipe for making these little sweet cakes that are traditional at this time of year.
We have this recipe thanks to my partner’s mother who lovingly typed up lots of traditional and favourite Catalan dishes and stuck them in a folder called Cuina de L’Avia/ Grandmother’s Cooking.
There is a photograph of her on the back of the book, cooking a large paella. On the front she put a photo of the happy couple who received the book.  It was done in the days before Photoshop (and before me) and lacking actual images of them cooking, she stuck their heads onto other bodies. It always makes me smile when I take out the book – it was done with such love and generosity and when you cook one of her recipes you really feel her presence helping you in the kitchen.

Ingredients
400g of ground almonds
400g sugar
150g boiled potatoes and sweet potatoes
lemon rind from one lemon

For Decoration
100g pine nuts
100g chopped nuts (almonds or hazlenuts are good)
100g ground coconut
one lemon
anything else you fancy using!

-Boil the potatoes and sweet potatoes in their skins, 10 minutes high and 10 minutes low heat.
-Let them cool, take off the skins and then mash them well.
-Add to the potato mix the almonds, the sugar and the lemon peel.
-Mix it together gently with a spatula – too much and it will be difficult to get it to stay in shape.
Now you have the base of the panellets.

Decoration
Pine Nuts
Roll the mixture into balls and dip in egg white. Cover in pine nuts. These are your round panellets

Nuts
Mix together the base with some ground almonds,dip in egg white and roll in the chopped nuts. Make these into cubes.

Coconut
Mix together the base with some ground coconut,dip in egg white and coat with more coconut. Make into pyramids.

Lemon
Add some lemon rind to the base and make these panellets into half moon shapes.

Coat them all with a mix of egg yolk and a little water and put into a HOT oven 220C for 10 minutes. 

Eat accompanied by a little glass of something tasty!