So you’re living  in a new and different country, and one day you wake up feeling angry and fed up with everyone and everything

Some people call this ex-pat anger syndrome

You’ve been here for some years and you’ve really tried to fit in. You do your best to accept the cultural differences and to be open-hearted and accepting but sometimes you just feel so angry you could scream.

People ignore you, they do annoying things like barging in front of you in queues as if you didn’t exist. Or they don’t say ‘thank you’ when you let them pass.

The streets are dirty and when you do find a green place it is strewn with litter.

People don’t smile at you – they all look totally miserable and they sometimes stare at you in the street as if you were an alien.You don’t know what you are doing here!

Sometimes you just want to scream  ‘What’s wrong with you people?  How can you be so smug? Who the hell do you think you are?’

You want to make them listen to you for once. Make them stop and pay attention. You want them to see that you have something wonderful to offer too. You want to make them see you.

I so know this feeling.

Many people who have lived abroad know exactly what you are going through. It is easy to let things build up until one day you finally explode, just to show you exist.   It gets tiring being the one who is always trying to fit in. The one who always makes an effort.  The outsider.

When you move to another country, you are suddenly faced with a different approach to living daily life, probably in a different language too.

It is very easy to slowly become invisible. You try so hard to do the right thing, to learn new ways, to make friends, to communicate, to understand what the hell is going on a lot of the time, and you lose sight of your own identity.

You get the feeling that no-one cares about you at all.

Suddenly you are totally unimportant.

 Anger starts to build

Quietly at first, and then one day WHOOMPH  it breaks out and you do or say something wild and free and exhilarating and, sometimes, embarrassing.

I have been there, many times.  I could tell you some embarrassing things I have done when in this mood, like when I chased some children who were teasing pigeons, or when I have given cashiers long lectures on how to pack my shopping.

I once told my partner’s family the ‘proper’ way to hug someone, i.e. me!

I have sat through too many dinner parties without saying a word because everyone is ‘speaking too fast’ and suddenly I blurt out something shocking just to get attention for a moment.

Gradually I learned some reliable ways to regain peace and sanity.

1. Acknowledge that you are feeling the strain.

Anger has a tendency to creep up on you and before you know it you are scowling at everyone and imagining that other people don’t like you or want to know you.

2. Reassure yourself that this is a normal feeling                                       

There is nothing wrong with you – we have all been there. The tension is real and your reaction is typical of someone who is overwhelmed and needs a break.

Living in another country is stressful and when your tired brain needs to rest it will eventually shout ‘No More’ and this may come out in a fit of anger.

3. Find a way to express what is going on for you.

Many times anger comes from exhaustion or loneliness or confusion or sadness or from missing home.

Write it down. Dance it out. Talk with a good friend who won’t judge you for ranting.  Be kind to yourself and also remember that the people who are so annoying are not out to get you. Or at least most of them aren’t!  Some people are selfish or rude or brusque or even stupid but try not to take it personally.  Everywhere in the world there are people like that.

4. Take some action.                                                                                                                

I usually go for a walk or go to the sea or up a mountain. Often I take the train to Barcelona and visit the Barrio Gotic or Barceloneta to breathe the sea air. Sometimes I do some meditation, or yoga or watch a video that makes me laugh. I do something that makes me feel happy and alive and back in charge of my life.  The anger is like steam in a pressure cooker – it needs to  be let out if you don’t want to destroy yourself inside. Anger is energy so do something positive and use that power to give yourself a treat.

5. Remember why you are here.

Why did I come here?   Try to answer that question. Was it the sunshine or a new love or because it is wonderful walking through the markets or perhaps because you have always wanted to learn another language. Think of three things that you love in this country and if you can’t think of three, think of one. For me there were times when the only thing was Sunshine.  Then one by one I added in the other things….until life felt good again.

Remember that you can always leave. You are free.

6. If things are bleak and you are hating it all – take yourself away for a while

Look at things from outside. Even just a day away somewhere different can bring you back to your own calm centre.

And what about you?

If any of this feels familiar then write in and tell me what things have driven you crazy in your new life.  Were there times you felt so angry you could explode? Have you done anything embarrassing when in that mood?

Reading other people’s stories has often kept me going and helped me find my balance again. When I first found an article about ex-pat anger syndrome I started to relax – Phew, it’s not just me!

Do I still get angry?  Yes of course but I am better at calming myself down.

For more stories about my struggle to stay sane since moving to this country SIGN UP for regular emails in the box at the top of this page.

 

 

 

 

Photo Credit Angry Lioness Tambako the Jaguar / Foter / CC BY-ND