A little change of subject.
One of the hardest things about The Catalan Way for me – in fact THE hardest thing – is having to cope with life in the same house as an adolescent who isn’t my own one. I am trying to act as though he is but of course the reality is different. We don’t have the shared history that would make me feel secure in myself. I am the intruder.
Right now, in the kitchen, he and two friends eating toasted sandwiches and drinking milk/juice.
Harmless of course – and nothing bad is happening. None of them are rude or bad mannered.
But I feel awkward and ill at ease. I go in there and the room goes silent. I come out and they start talking and laughing. Am I sure they aren’t laughing at me? They close the door so I know I am not welcome
I know I know. Everyone finds this age quite difficult to deal with.
But when it is in another language, in a house that is more his than mine, in a family that I only joined three years ago, it makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. I am always walking a thin line anyway, trying my best to feel a part of this world but this situation, and of course this is not the first time, always makes me feel sick with nerves. I do not feel confident and who better to reveal this in its nakedness than a group of 17 year olds.
I tried to chat – but what language do I use? Do I fumble around in Castellano or Catalan? Do I just speak English and know that they don’t really understand me or they feel I am ‘that weird British woman’? Do I ignore them and make my tea in silence while they wait for me to go?
I feel my body tighten up. I struggle anyway to communicate but this situation really puts me to the test and, as so often, today I fail.
I can not help you with what language to speak but I can say that adolescence is a breed of its own. Feeling discombobulated is actually normal! in their presence. As for what language to speak -assuming they all know a smattering of many of the languages spoken, speak what you are comfortable with (in my humble opinion, of course). Sending you a sense of belonging and stability, my amazing friend.
I’m proud of you to try! I’m also unconfortable when his friends are around… I will recomend you to speak with your heart, and forget the reactions! You are the Master of the house (when I’m not there…jajaja!)
XXXX
Grunting monosyllabic holas, like the teens do, with your iPod on, and turned up….then leave, again grunting deu…..
no?
at least they’d be able to relate.
Hugs, it’s a hard dance.
O
I can quite understand how you feel. When I met my husband we both had two children and sometimes it’s been, and still is at times, a very rocky argumentative road when we don’t agree with how to treat them all, even though they’re all grown up now!
I think it’s important to make your presence known, and going into the room and saying Hola, com esteu? is enough, and then it’s ok to leave them to it… but maybe it would be better if it was you who closed the door i.e. being in charge. As for the language, and as you know we’re in Catalunya too, those kids will understand a great deal of english, if not most of what you say if you speak a bit slower than normal, and I don’t think you ought to feel awkward about speaking your own language with them at times. They can always answer you in catalan!
There’s no easy answer except to try and remember that you are the adult. Hugs 🙂
Thank you all for your helpful comments. I wrote because it is not something I hear people speaking about. Everyone says how hard adolescents are but isn’t it incredible how painful it can be even when we KNOW it is their stuff. Usually it is not a personal attack (except when it is:)) but it is very hard not to feel it.
I know it is up to me to deal with it. Because I am often feel on the wrong foot here anyway, it affects me more but in the end noone gives you respect unless you demand it. It is like a crash course in ‘stand up for yourself’ or ‘crumple’.
I wish you didn’t feel that way. Maybe you could make them some cookies and offer them. Kids that age are hard to get to know and they can be cruel. I hope things change!