It is almost three years since I decided to start up a new life in Catalunya.
I left Cornwall – a place that had always felt like the perfect home with it’s beautiful scenery, relaxed lifestyle, friendly and interesting people and perfect atmosphere for creativity.
I left my home, my work, my friends and for two years I left my dogs and cats as well. It meant giving up a lot of security and of feeling ‘at home’.
Since I have been here in Catalunya I have lived in three places and now again I am thinking of changing house. It has almost become an obsession – Where is Home? Where is the best place? Mountains or coast? Town or Countryside? Where can I find a place to settle my things into their places, somewhere when I can work, a place to make sculptures, to garden and plant vegetables? Somewhere my dogs can be happy, a place to relax and get to work.
I was walking with Bonnie a few days ago and thinking again about these questions, feeling the painful longing in my stomach that usually makes me head for the computer to search through the houses for rent pages. I often blame myself for this pain – that I chose to leave my own home, that I am not able to feel totally at home in my partners house, that I have not worked hard enough to find a new place to put down my roots.
Into my head came the phrase ‘setting off to seek your fortune in far-off lands’. I thought of those stories of the traveller who leaves all that is familiar to go on a quest – normally a spiritual one.
It sounds obvious but I hadn’t thought of it like this before. Perhaps I am still journeying, still travelling with my knapsack on my back? I thought I had settled down here but what if the journey is not over? Perhaps this is not yet the moment to find a new home where I can find a new comfortable security?
Of course I want desperately to be at home, to be safe and settled but, what is it I need to learn before I can go there?
I come back again and again to the need to feel comfortable in myself, to have a strong central axis that keeps me steady no matter where I am. It is simplistic to just say ‘you need to feel at home in yourself’ as if it were just a decision you can make and …boom…you are at home.
Perhaps The Wizard of Oz is the best example of this process.
To get back home you need to find your brains, your heart, and your courage. And if you can’t find them in the place where you are then you need to go off and look for them. And this journey can be scary and lonely as well as exciting and fulfilling.
So how am I doing with all this?
Here in Catalonia I feel my heart pulsing with both joy and pain, my brain is working overtime as it copes with language problems and life issues. That leaves courage. This I think is a work in progress. While others say I am brave, I feel every day that the battle with fear is not over.
I look forward to the day I can click my heels and repeat ‘there’s no place like home’.
But I’m not there yet.
Kate, this is so beautiful and I know exactly what you mean (that is, in my own way ofcourse) by where is home? My search for home felt eternal. I felt like all I was doing was looking for home. I lived in a bunch of different places, and I searched outward and within. I love how beautifully you embrace the right now-that you are not there yet but that it is both joyful and painful. I hope you journey well. lots of love!
I am not sure it is bravery if it does not require effort, do you know what I mean? Bravery can tip so easily into stupidity or lack of foresight. Real bravery is finding yourself in a situation that creates fear (however validly) and moving forward anyway.
No?
I feel very sorry because you didn’t found your home in your partner’s house. But pearhaps I’m only a part of your quest of home. Good luck! xx
I am not sure having that feeling of being comfortable in oneself is something that can be permanent. We grow and learn and evolve our whole lives (if we are lucky) and each subtle shift means questioning. But you are brave, Kate! And aging brings a certain comfort with ones thoughts and feelings. You have been shook up lately and it would seem normal to feel these fears and yearnings. Practice exquisite self-care.
It is bravery! I remember at 17/18 years of age, sitting on a park swing in the dark, not a soul around, and deciding on a totally different course in life from that which was already in place and ahead of me. I don’t think I have been as brave since.
Roger Housden in his “Ten Poems to Change Your Life” offers the following as his first poem, for those attempting to be as brave as I was then;
The Journey < by Mary Oliver >
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice —
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do —
determined to save
the only life you could save.
Stephan – thanks so much for writing. I don’t have your email so can’t respond directly but if you see this then thank you! I loved that poem – haven’t read it for some time. ‘the new voice that you slowly recognise as your own’ is so important. Wishing you a clear strong voice to guide you in all decisions Kx