There is a blog I like a lot by a woman in Canada, Bodhi Chicklet, where she writes posts called Virtual Coffee. She invites you to join her for a chat and tells you all the things she might say if you were actually there. I hope she doesn’t mind if just for today I pinch the idea and invite you for a virtual vermut(vermouth).
If you were here sitting with me this evening on the terrace this is what I would tell you
I suppose that if you are a middle-aged British woman who moves to Spain it is unavoidable that sometimes you will have to struggle with the OFU feeling. That means – for those of you who have never been there – Old Fat and Ugly. Surrounded by young brown dark-eyed slim Catalan/Spanish women it is not always easy to feel good about yourself. Especially when your partner tells you that your (sort of ) step son says you are lletja. This is Catalan for ugly.
Of course he didn’t expect this to be repeated to me but it was and so I have to deal with it. When you are 16 anyone over the age of 20 will probably be lletja but…..and this came on a day when I already had chickened out of the gym because I couldn’t face a roomful of muscley men.
And next weekend I am invited to a family birthday party where the ex wife will also be. As she normally walks past me without speaking on the street it doesn’t seem a very tempting invitation. But you are expected to go to family things here – you seem strange if you don’t.
Anyway, I spent the afternoon cleaning a room that was my late mother-in-laws workroom – just brushing the floor and tidying things into piles, and thinking about her. Remembering another day when I had the OFU blues and went to visit her. She had called me upstairs – as her flat is above ours she could wave and call down from her kitchen window – and vulnerable as I was on that day I ended up bursting into tears on her shoulder. What a lovely woman – she confided that she had never felt pretty and, lovingly as always, she told me how much she liked my face, my smile and my energy in the house. Goodness I miss her!
Then our house was 50/50 women and men. Two of each. Now it is just me and the boys.
Working my way around her room, seeing her flower arranging equipment, her painting gear, her stained glass tools, I wished once again that we could have spent more time together. All the times that I was too busy to go in for a cup of tea came back to haunt me.
I found some lovely old cooking magazines that were priced in pesetas.
Afterwards I brushed her patio and reminded myself that I must water her plants more often now that it is getting hotter. It’s so pleasant to be up there almost talking with her. Everything is still as it was when she was here – and yet it’s not.
Her table and chairs have recently migrated down to our terrace and this is where we can drink our vermouth and listen to the swifts. It’s nice to have a comfortable place to sit for the first time and I love the cushions – aren’t they nice? She probably made them like so many other things in the house.
But I’d so much rather she was still upstairs waving from the window and calling me in for a chat
Hon.
I am so sorry it’s tough. We all ALL have OFU times, all. Teenage boys are themselves not exactly gorgeous…basically ever, but such is the egotism of youth.
Virtual vermut definitely has a ring to it!
Oh my! It sounds like you need that vermouth and not a virtual kind! Of course I would have a virtual vodka with you (what a wonderful idea actually) but I am off o a parents committee meeting soon at my son’s school. Virtual coffee isn’t my idea, I just participate. It is the brain child of one Amy who is linked at the bottom of all my virtual coffee posts, so go ahead and make a regular Virtual Vermouth day – I will participate! Wow. Old, fat and ugly. Yup, I have those days too. Since I hit 50 last year my body has decided to expand, mostly at the waist line despite my efforts to tame it back. Of course the vodka doesn’t help now, does it?! I love those magazines, they would make wonderful collage material. And I guess you will just have to stick your head high in the air and get through the family stuff. Remember your husand/boyfriend/significant other has chosen YOU.
I was very moved by your post, Kate. I’m glad you found an ally in this woman, and it is sad she is no longer there. I had such an ally in my ex-mother-in/out-law but my ex doesn’t like us to meet and gives her a hard time about it. Those relationships are very precious though.
Bon courage
X gilla
🙂 You vented! 🙂
I’m sorry you felt like that today, and I’m VERY glad you wrote about it and shared it. Really great writing!
Adya says don’t worry about what anyone else thinks ’cause its impossible to really know anyway. we’re just looking for more control in an uncontrollable environment. Please your Self. You’re awesome and a lovely daughter-in-law.
Big hugs and next xuxu is on me.
Hi All and thank you – and those who wrote to Facebook rather than leave messages here. Maybe a Virtual Vermut day is a good idea – which day though? anyone who wants to join in can let me know.
I always feel a bit worried about writing more personal things – yet I know that is what I like reading – and sometimes it just flows out anyway so what the hell!
So I am gently rising above it now – on a Vermut cloud.
Now…a virtual stepson – what about that for an idea? Kx
I’m sorry again! Why did I say to you the privates thougts of my “crazy” teenager boy!? Excuse me, please. I love you!! Pearhaps you are not the best beautyful woman in the world, but what’s the matter? You are so sensitive, so strong, so helpful (you had clean the terrasse of my mother!), so lightly, so bright, so… I’m very, very, very glad you decided to share your live with me, and sometimes with my son too. Don’t worry with his comments, he speakes superficialy, saying fisical criticisms, but I’m shure he starts to feel also the “big” person you are!! For your happyness and patience, and for my mother, un brindis amb Vermut de Falset!! PX
Wonderful piece of personal writing Kate, glad it helped you to feel better. I was lucky enough to see your mother-in-law leaning out of her window and also enjoy her warm hospitality on the patio upstairs. You have a lovely place there you can go to any time you like while you water her plants and feel her love and support. And now that her table, chairs and cushions are on your own terrace, she is there during the vermut ritual, too.
I know all about OFU and you could turn it round to mean Oh f*** you!
My first mother-in-law once said my head was ‘full of caramel papers’ and didn’t mean me to hear it either. At first I was very hurt and offended (was she right?) but later I realised it just meant she didn’t know me at all and didn’t see my strengths and talents. (Sort-of) stepson is having a go at his father here, not you, but virtual teenagers sounds like a great idea (with remote control!). Maybe you could ask him to help with the layout with tear-off strips you mentioned? If not, I’ll have a look.
I’m definitely in for a virtual vermouth! Love and hugs C xx
OFU – yep we’ve all been there and we’ll be there again, on the other hand we are WFB – wise funny and bright – let’s concentrate on that…
x
I vote for diVENDRES!
no?
Ben dit, P x
thank you all again – what good friends you are.
Dearest P XXXXX It is all part of the fun of being here with you – ups and downs – trying to find the Big Person inside of me….and take her to the gym!
Vermut Day – DiVendres – Good idea!
This week or next – the bottle is ready.
K x